Metaphorically Speaking
by Lauand
Summary: This story was taken down because of a so-called inapropiate summary. I disagree. The summary is also part of the story. I'm not going to change it because of a policy that makes no sense to me. Heading with summary inside. Sorry for the inconvenience.


**Title:** Metaphorically Speaking  
**Author:** Lauand  
**Beta:** Bookofnicodemus.  
**Fandom:** Saiyuki  
**Pairing:** Gojyo/Hakkai  
**Rating:** PG-13  
**Summary:** Gojyo fucks up. Again.  
**A/N:** Thanks to Books for the beta-reading.

**Metaphorically Speaking**

The kappa was brooding. Not that it was so unusual an occurrence, but normally, it wouldn't be long until Hakkai went to him and started one of those subtle conversations that made one see that things weren't so bad and that more meat buns were sure to come, sooner or later.

But Hakkai hadn't followed the cockroach outside when he went to the porch of the inn for a smoke (or so he had angrily muttered on his way out), and now that Goku thought about it, neither had they had that friendly interaction today, those little gestures that said 'Hey, I'm here' that the two of them used to share everyday.

So Goku considered his duty to go and talk to the stupid pervert, seeing that Hakkai didn't intend to and Sanzo never would.

The kappa was indeed sitting on the wooden floor of the porch, a cigarette nearly consumed between his lips, when Goku step outside. As a greeting, the youth nudged the roach with his boot before speaking.

"Hey, you pervert kappa." Strange how the tiny spark of hope in the half-breed's eyes at being nudged had died at the knowledge it was just the monkey talking to him. "What the heck are you moping for?"

Gojyo was stubborn.

"I'm not moping, stupid monkey."

Ignoring the redhead, Goku sat down beside him and watched as the half-breed took another drag of what already was no more than a butt.

"You're not only a pervert, you're an idiot, too. What's wrong with you?" Goku insisted.

Gojyo was stubborn, but something was gnawing at his guts and he was too used to telling Hakkai everything not to feel the need to let this out, one way or another.

"Have you ever felt… ya know," the half-breed paused to find the words he needed, the terms that would make Goku understand, "…felt so hungry that, when an awesome cook serves you the greatest fucking meal you've ever seen, you can't stop yourself and swallow it all up when what you had really, really wanted to do was go really, really slow, and taste everything, savour everything, enjoy everything, but you really, really can't, because you're really, really hungry, and it's all so fucking, fucking good that you just… errr… can't?"

Goku blinked. Of course he had felt like that. Everyday, in fact.

"Yes."

Gojyo flipped the butt when it suddenly burned his fingers.

"And," this was the difficult part, "…when the cook is not, err… pleased with you for it, what do you do?"

Goku blinked again. Twice. The kappa had the most ridiculous problems sometimes.

"Apologize, stupid."

"And if that doesn't work?"

The youngest member of the group just shrugged.

"You say you're sorry and mean it, you explain why you did it and you're honest. If that doesn't work, at least you tried your best."

Gojyo fidgeted and raked his hand through his hair.

"No, no, no… you don't understand...!" He tried frantically to find the words again for the other to understand him. "It's… really, really, fucking, fucking important that the cook forgives you. Because if not, you may… you won't eat this cook's stuff ever again, and, well, there are other cooks, the world is plagued with fucking cooks, but this one's really, really special and there's not another fucking cook like this one, and you really, really didn't mean to eat as if you didn't give a shit about the food, it was just that you were so fucking, fucking, fucking hungry…!"

"Uh, Gojyo?"

He was so engrossed in his own desperation that it took him a while to realize that Goku was addressing him.

"What?"

This time it was the monkey who chose his words carefully.

"Is it… does all this shit got something to do with Hakkai?"

Gojyo's face paled at that. He wasn't aware he had been that transparent.

"Uh… eerrr…" He tried again, "…why do you ask?"

In Goku's mental Gojyoish-Common Speech dictionary, that meant 'yes'.

"Because then, you should go and talk to him, you know."

The tall redhead raked again his hand through his hair and sighed.

"I tried, but he won't listen to me. I…"

He left the rest of the sentence unsaid and fixed his stare to the dirty ground between his feet. Goku insisted.

"I think it's time you give it another try…"

"Listen, kid, not that I don't appreciate your words and stuff, but if I go upstairs and wake him up in the middle of the fucking night I doubt he'll feel like listening to my stupid rambling and all, ya know?"

Of all the things he could do, the monkey smiled. He fucking smiled.

"I wouldn't worry about it, perverted cockroach. Hakkai isn't asleep yet."

Gojyo frowned at that, always slow on the uptake.

"And how the fuck would you know?"

"Because he's right behind you."

"What the…?!" Gojyo turned around at the speed of light and watched in horror as the monkey, for once, hadn't been shitting him. His wide eyes and gaping mouth could be easily read from afar as a luminous 'Oh, fuck' sign.

"Ok," the monkey said as he stood up and shook the dust from his butt, "I'll go now and leave you two to talk. Good night, roach. Good night Hakkai."

Slowly, taking his time since Goku's departure, Hakkai walked to the place the monkey had formerly occupied and took a seat where he had been, right beside Gojyo, while the redhead busied himself searching for a pack of cigarettes, despite knowing fucking well where they were.

"So…," Hakkai started.

"So…," was the mumbled replied he obtained.

"Will you please stop looking for whatever you are searching for and look at me, Gojyo?"

Of all the members of his strange group, Hakkai was the only one that always called him by his name.

"No."

The word was uttered so low that Hakkai nearly missed it.

"Gojyo…"

And for more emphasis, he gently placed a hand on the redhead's forearm. That stilled the half-breed immediately. Hakkai never initiated physical contact. Not between them, not with other people. Hakkai didn't touch, period. It was always Gojyo who leaned on him, who passed a carefree arm over the healer's shoulders, who hugged him when he was drunk or feeling melodramatic; and lately, as things between them had slowly changed, Gojyo had been the one to circle his waist, to touch his face, to gingerly stroke the scar on his belly, to kiss him on the mouth, to bury the nose in his neck, to hold him close, and last night, the one to… to…

"Gojyo, look at me, will you?"

What could a man do when hearing that wondrous voice but obey? Once his red eyes got locked with Hakkai's, Gojyo couldn't help himself and started rambling.

"Hakkai, I'm sorry man, you've got to believe me, I'm so fucking sorry…!" He just couldn't stop. He even started to make little gestures with his arms, taking infinite care not to dislodge Hakkai's hand from his forearm, "…I'm not a selfish lover, you know I'm not… well, you don't know, because with you I was, but normally I'm not, I swear… I mean, I'm Sha Gojyo, dammit, in the language of love, that means 'satisfaction guaranteed', you know, it's just…" Suddenly, the thought occurred to him that maybe it wasn't the smartest idea to talk to Hakkai about his usual, promiscuous, sexual habits. "... ya know, usually people get better and stuff when it's important… I'm just such a fuck up that I just got worse… you get what I mean?"

Hakkai's face was as expressive as a dead cabbage, but that meant nothing with someone who usually wore smiles as often as other people wore underpants, so Gojyo went on.

"I mean, I'm not never like that, I mean…"

He was messing up again. He couldn't even think straight. Gods, he was bordering hysteria just when he needed, he _needed_ to explain himself. He wove his fingers through his hair once again, his favourite nervous gesture. Knowing it, Hakkai took the redhead's hands in his and gently whispered.

"Breathe, Gojyo. Breathe."

Gojyo closed his eyes and let himself be soothed by his friend. His best friend. His fucking best friend. He breathed. And spoke.

"Listen, Hakkai. You may think that last night… that last night I treated you just like any other, like a piece of ass, like a… well, you already grasp the concept." He swallowed, then, "but when I seduce a nobody, when they don't mean fuck to me, it's incredibly easy to act cool, to be attentive, to take my sweet time and to… to keep up all night. Really, it's easy. I wouldn't be who I am if it wasn't. But…" He opened his eyes and risked staring at Hakkai, beautiful Hakkai, pretty, perfect, smart, perfect, perfect Hakkai. "But… with you, I just couldn't. Precisely because you're special. Because when I care, I turn into an asshole. And I care. I do care. Really." And just for good measure, he insisted, "I do."

The dead cabbage seemed to be bordering tears by now. Gojyo didn't know if he should smile or panic, but he was so emotionally drained that he just lacked the energy to fall into a nervous breakdown, so he shyly, boyishly smiled.

At the end, Hakkai didn't cry. He just rubbed the hands he was already holding with his thumbs, and, lowering his gaze, he timidly smiled back. Honestly smiled back.

Gojyo was so relieved that he thought he would piss his pants. Maybe there really was a God and it wasn't that hermaphroditic bitch.

Finally, after some easy silence between them, Hakkai stood up, and releasing only one of his hands, dragged Gojyo gently inside.

"Let's go in," he said softly, as if the gentle pull on his hand wasn't indicative enough.

Stupidly blushing at the holding of hands and thinking himself retarded for being so fucking happy about it, Gojyo replied, unusually quiet himself,

"Yeah, let's go in."


End file.
